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Business People

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder. Q: How many shi瓧?瓨

Misc Politics

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it. How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bu瓧?瓨

Bill Clintons

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues. A: None -- He'll only promise "change." A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", a瓧?瓨

Democrats

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the lightbulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)" A: Two-one to do it and the other to keep the f瓧?瓨

Republicans

How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two-one to do it and one to steady the chandelier. A: None, they only screw the poor Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb ? A: (Dole) Wh瓧?瓨

Three mice at the bar

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse downs a shot of Jack Daniel's, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mou瓧?瓨

The parrot with no feet

A guy is not getting along with his wife.He thinks maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happen瓧?瓨

Liver and Cheese

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese.瓧?瓨

Afraid of Bees

A farmer and his wife decide to sell their land so they can move to Florida and retire. A prospective buyer comes by and likes the place, but there's only one problem: He's deathly afraid of bees and, on a tour of the property, he noticed a lot of them. 瓧?瓨

Perfect Penis

There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods.The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don`t know."At that time he hears his mom calling him for lunch.He goes home and eats his lunch.Then he sees his dad on the couch. 瓧?瓨

Top Ten Reasons Women Want Men To Say "I Love You"

1.They like the words. 2.Girls, at times, think that the "words" are important. 3.They can brag to their friends that they got him to do it. 4.It makes them feel all tingly to hear it. 5.Commitment/Power *evil grin* 6.He ain`t gettin ANY unless he does. 7瓧?瓨

Why A Christmas Tree Is Better Than A Women

10. A Christmas tree doesn`t care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past. 9. Christmas trees don`t get mad if you use exotic electrical devices. 8. A Christmas tree doesn`t care if you have an artificial one in the closet. 7. A Chri瓧?瓨

sandwiches

There is this guy and this girl and they want to have sex. So they go to the girls house and before entering the girl stops the guy and says. "My little sister sleeps on the bottom bunk of our bunk bed and I do not want her to know what we are doing, so 瓧?瓨

A new guy

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, th瓧?瓨

不偏不向

一位法官对自己的挚友说:“请你想像一下,我们这里营私舞弊泛滥到何等地步!前天,就在诉讼程序刚要开始,被告的辩护律师转送给我1000美元。怎么能这样呢,啊?过了一会儿,受害者的辩护律师也硬塞给我1200美元。可我不是那种在诉讼程序中昧良心偏袒一方的人。所以,为了做到完全无偏见,我又归还受害者200美元。”

反驳

勃拉温被带上了法庭。法官问他:“你是不是总把自己养的狗叫成施密特,而且经常对狗喊:‘喂!施密特,你这个大坏蛋。你的行为明显侮辱了你的邻居施密特先生,你知错吗?”“这您可就错了,”勃拉温抗议道:“我这样做无非是想侮辱一下我的狗。”

禁止游泳

在法庭上,法官问:“被告,当原告下河游泳的时候,你为什么乘机偷走了他的衣服?”“因为,要知道,那个地方是禁止游泳的,法官先生。”

打狗

一只狗向一个农夫扑过去,农夫忍无可忍,用粪叉打死了这只发疯的狗,狗的主人告了农夫,要他赔偿损失。“你要是,”法官说:“把叉子倒过来,用没有齿的那头,不就没有事了吗?”农夫回答:“那倒是,法官先生,要是他的狗倒着向我扑过来,我会那样做的!”

宣誓之后

在法庭上法官问证人:“你知道宣誓之后应该怎么做吗?”证人答道:“我知道,一旦宣誓之后,不论我说的是真或假,都应该坚持到底!”

作伪证的结果

一个在破产商行当秘书的女子出庭作证。法官严厉地问:“你知道作伪证会得到什么结果吗?”“知道,上司说给200克郎和一件水貂皮的大衣。”

证人

科恩去找律师:“博士先生,您看,格林这个无赖都写了些什么?说我该还他2000银币,否则就要控告我,我敢发誓,我这一辈子从未从他手里拿到过2000银币!”“那么事情就非常简单了……秘书小姐,请录下我的话,“……由于我从来未从您手里得到过这样一笔借款,因此对您的起诉不予理睬……,”“哎呀,博士先生,错啦,完全错啦!您是在哪里学的法律?秘书小姐,您这样写:‘……在我早已还清您2000银币之后,对您的控告我不予理睬……。”“科恩先生!您刚才说您敢发誓从未从他手里借过钱!”“那么,我得到过吗?”瓧?瓨 ...

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