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Sure Fire Ways To Know You’re A Woman

1. Whine 2. When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no. Then get mad when you are believed. 3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior. 4. 瓧?瓨

Yo mama so fat...

her nickname is "DAMN" she eats Wheat Thicks. people jog around her for exercise. she went to the movies and sat next to everyone. she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors. when she sits in the classroom, she sits beside everybody. she was瓧?瓨

Yo mama so stupid...

it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes she got a peep hole in a glass door. you asked what's for dinner, she put her feet on the table and said corn! she went to the drug store and asked for marijuana she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" beca瓧?瓨

Yo mama so ugly...

she went into an hunted house and came out with an application when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals." she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning. even Freddy Krueger has nightmares of her. they push her fa瓧?瓨

Yo mama so...

old, I told her to act her own age, and she died. poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving." nasty, her hairy armpits look like she's got Buckwheat in a headlock. ugly, when she puts her fa瓧?瓨

Doctor, Quickies

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." "You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me whi瓧?瓨

Doctors and lightbulbs

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb? * That depends on whether it has health insurance. * None. They just tell it to take two aspirin and come round to the surgery later. * None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortua瓧?瓨

Bad News

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have m瓧?瓨

A short history of medicine

"Doctor, I have an ear ache." 2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root." 1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer." 1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion." 1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill." 1985 A.D. - 瓧?瓨

Shingles

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what瓧?瓨

Your Dog is dead

A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, "I found my dog unconscious and I can't wake him -- do something." The vet lays the dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm sorry, I don't feel a pulse, I'm afraid your dog i瓧?瓨

Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

Oops! Has anyone seen my watch? That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual? OK, now take a picture from this angle. T瓧?瓨

Duck Hunt

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away. The next bird flies overhead, an瓧?瓨

You Might Be an E.R. Doctor if...

Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you. You think that caffeine should be available in IV form. You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the 瓧?瓨

Corporate Definitions

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An out瓧?瓨

Hotel Translations

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An out瓧?瓨

Phrase Translations

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding? See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man - Dum Gai Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni Your price is too high!!! - No Bai Dam Thing瓧?瓨

The Top 10 Things NOT to say to a Police Officer

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. 瓧?瓨

25 Things You’ll Never Hear in The South

1. Let's wash the car. 2. Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer? 3. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. 4. You can't feed that to the dog. 5. That's enough ketchup on those eggs. 6. No kids in the back of the pickup! 7. Wrasslin's fake. 8. T瓧?瓨

30 Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mart

1. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. 2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 3. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. 4. Leave cryptic messages on the typewrite瓧?瓨

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. 3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, 'Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!' 4. Wh瓧?瓨

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