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惩罚(2)

一个少妇哭着去找牧师。她和丈夫一起住在自己父亲家里,丈 夫和父亲都经常打她。 牧师找到她父亲,对他说:“你的女婿是全城有名的粗鲁汉,可 你是个明白人啊!你怎么也要打你那可怜的女儿?” 父亲说:“牧师啊。我这样做只是为了惩罚我那可恶的女婿,他 打我的女儿。我就打他的妻子!”

“不识数”的播音员

电视里放映精彩激烈的乒乓球赛,引起了老奶奶的极大兴趣。 看完后她啧啧称赞:“球打得好,球打得好!可惜偏偏找了个不识数 的播音员!” 小孙孙听了不解地问:“人家咋不识数?” 老奶奶说:“明明是两个人在打球,他偏说是单打。明明是四个 人在打球,他却硬说是双打。他少数了一半,这不是不识数是啥?”

舂米的方法

有个男人自豪他说:“我今天有了一大发明!” “嗬,你发明了什么?”大家纷纷问他。 “我发明了一次用两个臼同时捣米!据我观察,捣米时木捶下 去能捣到米,可是抬起来时,上面没米可捣,这不是浪费气力吗?若 是上面也倒悬一个臼子,那不就可以上下同时捣米了吗?” “是个好主意。可是请问,上边倒悬的那个臼子里,怎么装米 呢?” 这人听了,“嘭”地拍了一下脑袋道: “哎呀!这件事我可没想到。” ...

数猪

  一君请朋友吃饭,对服务员说:“茶。”服务员顺时针数一二三四五六。见服务员没倒茶又说:“倒茶。”服务员逆时针数一二三四五六。纳闷不倒茶数数干吗?问:“你数什么?”“我数猪的。”“-------”

晕机(减肥笑话)

  有一对恋人,去法国的飞机上,男的晕机。从上机那刻起一直在吐,随身带的呕吐袋满了,女友去找代替呕吐袋的东西,回来后看到机上的人全都在呕吐,女友愣了,男的对她说:"因袋子满了没有地方呕吐,所以我把它喝了:"

可怕的错误

  一人饥饿无比,来到一个饭馆大吃了一顿却没钱给,老板说这样吧你做三件我们这里认为最困难的事情,我就可以让你走。此人无奈只能同意了。老板说,第一,你要喝下一瓶很辣的辣椒油,第二,我们这里花园里有头河马牙疼,你得帮它治好,第三,我们这里有个性欲旺盛的女人,你要满足她一次。此人觉得并不十分困难,于是冲进厨房一口气喝完了辣椒油,然后飞奔到花园里,片刻,传来了河马的一声惨叫,又一会后,这个人红着眼睛跑过来问道:“快告诉我,那个牙疼的女人在什么地方?” ...

蚂蚁

  兔子和蚂蚁一起奔跑。忽然有一只大象紧随其后,蚂蚁找了一个洞,把头钻进去,伸出一条腿,兔子不解的问他,你干什么。 “嘘,我半死他这个蠢货”。

岂不更快

有一人奉命去送紧急公文,上司特地给他一匹快马。但他却跟 在马后面跑而不骑马。路人问他:“既是如此紧急,为问不骑马。” 他说:“六只脚一起走,岂下比四只脚更快!”

王老汉买驴

有一天,王老汉从集市上买了一头毛驴。在牵驴回家的路上, 有两个小偷悄悄地跟上来,一个解开牵驴的绳子,套在另一个小偷 的脖子上,然后把毛驴牵走了。 回到家里,王老汉回头一看,驴不见了,后边套的却是个年轻 人。 “我的毛驴呢。”王老汉惊奇地问。 “是这么回事。”小偷回答道。我不孝顺父母,神仙就把我变成 了毛驴,遇上你这样的好心人买了我。神仙就又把我变成了人。 “走吧!”王老汉一边解绳子一边说,“以后再也不能不孝顺父 母了,不然还会变成驴的。” 第二天,王老汉又来到集上,意外地发现了他昨天放走的那条 驴,一个人 ...

十分合算

有个人去看医生,医生吩咐检查一下小便。这人便从家里提来 满满一大瓶小便。医生检查后,写上了“并无异常”。 回到家里,他兴奋地向全家宣布:“我没有糖尿病,你也没有, 爸爸、妈和孩子们全都没有。”

为己延寿

林德四被判死刑。押上刑场前,国王问他还有什么话说。他对 国王说:“我昨天做了个梦,得知你的死期比我晚一年。”国王一听 害怕了,立即传令:“改为死缓!”

A School-report

The father was reading the school-report which had just been handed to him by his hopeful son. His brow was wrathful as he read: "English, poor, Franch, weak, mathematics, fair," and he gave a glance of disgust at the quaking lad. "Well, dad." said the so瓧?瓨

Arctic Explorer

Boy: Dad, when I grow up I want to e an Arctic explorer. Father: That's fine, Bill. Boy: But I want to go into training at once. Father: Hoe so? Boy: Well, I want a dollae a day for icecream so I'll get used to the cold

To Go to Heaven

Sunday School teacher: Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven? Hands up...what about you, Terry? You haven't got your hand up, don't you want to go to Heaven? Terry: I can't. My mum told me to go straight home.

To scare them

A mother bought her son a $100 Halloween costume to scare his friends. "Should I take the price tag off?" the boy asked. "Leave it on." his mother replied. "We'll scare your father too."

Men’s Advice To Women

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down. 3. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. 4. Get rid of your cat. 5. Sunday = TV Sports. 6. Anything you wear is fine瓧?瓨

The Baby Quiz

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A: If it's the flu, you'll get better. Q: What is the most common pregnancy crav瓧?瓨

Things you won’t hear a woman say to another woman

That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim? Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go introduce myself! His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am,瓧?瓨

Top 10 Things Only Women Understand

10. Cats' facial expressions. 9. The need for the same style of shoe in different colors. 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 7. Fat clothes. 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your last time. 5. The difference between beige, off-whi瓧?瓨

Rules Men Wish Women Knew

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down. 3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guy瓧?瓨

How to use an ATM machine...

MALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Wind down your car window 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt 6. Wind up window 7. Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE 1.瓧?瓨

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