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A School-report

The father was reading the school-report which had just been handed to him by his hopeful son. His brow was wrathful as he read: "English, poor, Franch, weak, mathematics, fair," and he gave a glance of disgust at the quaking lad. "Well, dad." said the so瓧?瓨

Arctic Explorer

Boy: Dad, when I grow up I want to e an Arctic explorer. Father: That's fine, Bill. Boy: But I want to go into training at once. Father: Hoe so? Boy: Well, I want a dollae a day for icecream so I'll get used to the cold

To Go to Heaven

Sunday School teacher: Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven? Hands up...what about you, Terry? You haven't got your hand up, don't you want to go to Heaven? Terry: I can't. My mum told me to go straight home.

To scare them

A mother bought her son a $100 Halloween costume to scare his friends. "Should I take the price tag off?" the boy asked. "Leave it on." his mother replied. "We'll scare your father too."

Men’s Advice To Women

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down. 3. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. 4. Get rid of your cat. 5. Sunday = TV Sports. 6. Anything you wear is fine瓧?瓨

The Baby Quiz

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A: If it's the flu, you'll get better. Q: What is the most common pregnancy crav瓧?瓨

Things you won’t hear a woman say to another woman

That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim? Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go introduce myself! His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am,瓧?瓨

Top 10 Things Only Women Understand

10. Cats' facial expressions. 9. The need for the same style of shoe in different colors. 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 7. Fat clothes. 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your last time. 5. The difference between beige, off-whi瓧?瓨

Rules Men Wish Women Knew

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down. 3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guy瓧?瓨

How to use an ATM machine...

MALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Wind down your car window 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt 6. Wind up window 7. Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE 1.瓧?瓨

Sure Fire Ways To Know You’re A Woman

1. Whine 2. When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no. Then get mad when you are believed. 3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior. 4. 瓧?瓨

Yo mama so fat...

her nickname is "DAMN" she eats Wheat Thicks. people jog around her for exercise. she went to the movies and sat next to everyone. she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors. when she sits in the classroom, she sits beside everybody. she was瓧?瓨

Yo mama so stupid...

it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes she got a peep hole in a glass door. you asked what's for dinner, she put her feet on the table and said corn! she went to the drug store and asked for marijuana she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" beca瓧?瓨

Yo mama so ugly...

she went into an hunted house and came out with an application when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals." she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning. even Freddy Krueger has nightmares of her. they push her fa瓧?瓨

Yo mama so...

old, I told her to act her own age, and she died. poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving." nasty, her hairy armpits look like she's got Buckwheat in a headlock. ugly, when she puts her fa瓧?瓨

Doctor, Quickies

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." "You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me whi瓧?瓨

Doctors and lightbulbs

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb? * That depends on whether it has health insurance. * None. They just tell it to take two aspirin and come round to the surgery later. * None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortua瓧?瓨

Bad News

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have m瓧?瓨

A short history of medicine

"Doctor, I have an ear ache." 2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root." 1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer." 1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion." 1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill." 1985 A.D. - 瓧?瓨

Shingles

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what瓧?瓨

Your Dog is dead

A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, "I found my dog unconscious and I can't wake him -- do something." The vet lays the dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm sorry, I don't feel a pulse, I'm afraid your dog i瓧?瓨
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